he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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