His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
