my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
