When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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