I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
