I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
