we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
