You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
