The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
ttyl tear gas
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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