Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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