Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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