Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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