im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
