I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
