Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
