Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
