If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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