someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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