how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
