his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
