I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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