My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
