What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
