Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
