Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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