watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
why is half of my head shaved?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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