No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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