You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
