I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
