you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
