I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
