is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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