frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
