p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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