Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
