Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
