I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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