So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
