You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
