What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
