Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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