Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
