Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
