What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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