i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
