Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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