Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
