Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
