In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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