I just saw a hot homeless man
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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