ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
