Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
